


I want you to notice when I’m not around

by JBKid



Series: Love songs and first dates [1]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: AgentCorp, Angry Lena Luthor, Awkward Conversations, F/F, First Kiss, Fluff and Angst, Gay Disaster Alex Danvers, Good communications skills for once, Late Night Conversations, Light Angst, Not Canon Compliant, Protective Alex Danvers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-26
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-11 06:22:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28346826
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JBKid/pseuds/JBKid
Summary: Could one conversation have completely changed the course of events after Season 4? And maybe it didn’t need Kara to be the one having it...-----"I wanted to talk to you.”“Why?” Lena had to work hard to keep her tone from sounding as defensive as she felt.“You don’t seem yourself. I was concerned.”“Concerned because I am a Luthor and my brother was behind this the whole time?”Alex’s frown deepened.“That’s...really not what I meant.”
Relationships: Alex Danvers/Lena Luthor
Series: Love songs and first dates [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2079189
Comments: 12
Kudos: 220





	I want you to notice when I’m not around

**Author's Note:**

> There are many great versions of Creep by Radiohead. I happened to be listening to this new cover  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w-NzvaFuhsE&ab_channel=TenSecondSongs Creep in the Style of Deftones and it inspired this fic.
> 
> AKA what I did over Christmas - I wrote.
> 
> It is set right after the games night at J’onn’s at the end of Season 4 and assumes that Alex and Kelly didn't get together.
> 
> Just a one-shot.

Lena was exhausted. Being a Luthor, keeping up a façade had become second nature. Never let anyone see how you really feel; Lillian Luthor’s lesson number one The fact that she now found it so draining showed just how deeply she had let the so-called Superfriends get under her skin. 

It was a relief to finally escape their company and the games night J’onn had hosted in his new office. As the door closed behind her, Lena exhaled deeply, her whole body sagging with the release of tension.

Taking a deep breath, she straightened and turned to start walking in the last of the evening light, wanting some air, before calling her driver. 

She startled slightly, her hand flying to her chest as she noticed the figure, leaning against the wall, arms folded, watching her intently.

“How long have you been standing there?” Her tone was sharp, rebuking, covering the fact she had been caught so off guard.

“I left just before you.” Alex’s voice was calm, measured. Obviously not wanting to startle the other woman any further. 

Pushing off the wall she stepped forward to stand directly in her path. Unfolding her arms, she stuffed her hands in her jeans pockets, hunching her shoulders and looking at the ground before looking up at Lena from under her eyelashes.

“I wanted to talk to you.”

Lena was surprised by the softness of the look, and the warmth in the brown eyes currently trained on her. They weren’t assessing, calculating as Lena thought they should be, knowing what she now knew.

“Tomorrow.” Her smile was half hearted and didn’t reach her eyes. “I think I just want to go home.” 

She tried to brush past the taller woman, but Alex’s next words caused her step to stutter to a halt.

“You know, don’t you?” 

Lena felt a thrill of fear run though her.

“Know what?” 

Her facade was instantly back in place, but she felt her stomach clench as she turned back, meeting Alex’s gaze, her own defiant. 

Alex quirked an eyebrow at her and nodded back towards J’onn’s office. The faint sound of laughter reached them from where the others were still clearing up.

Lena folded her arms and tried to look like she had no idea what Alex was insinuating.

“Have a drink with me.”

Alex smiled and Lena felt herself knocked further off balance by this whole interaction. When Alex started walking she found her feet falling into step before her brain had even realised she was moving.

The bar wasn’t anywhere Lena would have picked, it was in a basement, small and filled with mismatched furniture. Overstuffed sofas making it look more like a student coffee shop and giving it a comfortable atmosphere. 

Alex held the door open for her, hand ghosting against the small of her back as she ushered her towards the farthest corner. She waved towards the woman behind the bar as they navigated their way through the venue. By the time they were seated on two facing sofas, the barwoman was smiling easily at Alex, and placing two glasses on the low table between them.

Lena raised her eyebrows, her tone amused as she spoke. “You bring a lot of women here?”

“No, but I do come here often.” Alex smirked and leaned forward to pick up her glass.

The smile rose involuntarily to Lena’s lips in reply and she caught herself, the world feeling slightly off kilter again.

Alex stared at her for long moments over her glass as she sipped.

Lena picked up her own glass for something to do in the face of Alex’s scrutiny. The scotch was cheap, compared to the brands she normally chose, but was surprisingly palatable.

“You’re different.”

“Of course I am, after everything that’s happened.”

“No. It’s not just that. There is brittleness to you. It’s as if you are terrified you're going to shatter into pieces.”

“What? I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Lena huffed out a laugh, but felt her skin prickle with fear.

“I know that look.”

“What look?” Lena put her glass down, unsure where this conversation was heading but feeling she needed all her wits about her.

“Lex didn’t didn’t die in the fire, did he?”

Lena felt suddenly too warm, like the air was being sucked out of the room.

“I’ve seen that look in the new recruits, when they come back from their first mission. It doesn't matter how justified it is, taking a life exacts a cost. I’ve seen that same look in the mirror myself and you have it now.”

Lena could actually feel herself start to sweat, but felt Lillian would be so proud of the calm she exuded. The coolness of her demeanor. That thought alone made her feel slightly nauseous. 

“Did he tell you before you killed him?”

Lena fidgeted with her glass, and looked away to avoid answering.

Alex stretched her arms across the back of the sofa, legs crossed, top one swinging along with the glass that dangled from her fingers.

This was the most original interrogation she had ever been in, Lena thought.

“This isn’t an interrogation.” 

Lena tried desperately not to show her surprise at Alex voicing her own thoughts. 

“I thought you might need someone to talk to about it all. Someone who wasn’t Kara. Someone who would understand.”

Alex continued to sip her scotch as she watched Lena, her gaze open, manner entirely unthreatening, which unnerved her all the more.

Taking a deep breath, she tried to steer the conversation away from that particular subject, although none of those currently under discussion seemed to offer safe ground. 

“Did Lex tell me what?”

“I know you know about Kara. Your whole attitude is different.”

Lena’s hand was shaking so violently the glass clinked loudly as she placed it back on the table, now empty.

Alex turned and gestured to the barmaid who nodded in reply.

Lena frantically ran the whole night over and over in her mind. What gave her away? What was Alex talking about? 

The barmaid delivered their order and briefly exchanged murmured words and smiles with Alex before drifting away again.

Alex picked up her glass and drank slowly, watching Lena carefully, who was trying not to let her racing thoughts show on her face.

Attack is the best form of defence she concluded and sat forward on the sofa, leaning towards Alex.

“I know you study human behaviour and tells as part of your interrogation techniques.” Lena tried not to sneer. It was hard, knowing she was being deceived “But please don’t try your amateur psychology on me. I am  _ fine. _ ” The tone was as bland as she could make, given the circumstances but it could still have cut glass. 

She was surprised to see genuine hurt on Alex’s face. She watched as the older woman drew her arms back into her and folded her wrists on her thigh, suddenly looking a lot smaller and frowning almost imperceptibly. 

It caused a recalibration in Lena’s mind, sparking a thought, which ghosted through her brain but was gone before she could grab it. Like trying to catch smoke.

Alex focussed on her glass and stayed silent for long moments.

“You weren’t at the last game night. Or when we all went for brunch.”

The smoke-like wisp of a thought drifted back into Lena’s mind and she tried to snag it before it evaporated again.

“I wasn’t really up to being around people.”

“Not even friends?”

“I’d just lost my brother.”

“Who you hated.”

“Sometimes you just need time alone, a little space to think. You of all people know what that’s like”

“Sometimes thinking alone is a terrible idea.” 

Lena sipped her drink and knew full well  _ thinking _ was not the word either of them really meant.

“It’s not like you though, you almost never miss any of Kara’s get togethers.”

That hazy thought drifted around in her mind, still just out of reach, but nudging synapses as it passed.

“And you left early tonight.”

“So did you.”

“Because i wanted to talk to you.”

“Why?” Lena had to work hard to keep her tone from sounding as defensive as she felt.

“You don’t seem yourself. I was concerned.”

“Concerned because I am a Luthor and my brother was behind this the whole time?”

Alex’s frown deepened.

“That’s...really not what I meant.”

Lena tried to hide her smirk, sure it was exactly what the other woman had meant.

“You wanted to check I wasn’t involved somehow?”

Alex rubbed her forehead and slowly pulled in a breath through her nose, eyes closed.

“Dammit Lena, forget I’m DEO, forget I am Kara’s sister, forget you are a Luthor, forget all of it for just one minute. I thought we were friends. Through everything with Reign and the last three years I thought we had got past all of this.”

Lena seethed at the arrogance of the woman. After all the lies, she still expected her to trust her, to go along with the pretence. 

However, the anger drained out of her when Alex finally looked up at her and was surprised to see her eyes shone, almost as if she was on the verge of tears.

“Look. Let’s try something else, quid pro quo. Colonel Halley was investigating the DEO. The government wanted to know Supergirl’s identity so badly, because of everything that was going on with Lockwood, the alien amnesty act, that I had to have my mind wiped to protect her. So for the last few months I didn’t know.” 

Lena felt the breath rush out of her and she sagged back against the sofa, all composure lost at Alex’s admission.

“Anyone who knows Supergirl’s identity is a target. Last year I was kidnapped and nearly killed to convince her to do some terrorist’s bidding. Now imagine what would happen if people had known that she had a best friend who knew her identity. This isn’t an interrogation Lena, I really am here as a friend.”

Alex drained her glass and stood. 

“I’m going to get us another drink and to give you a moment.” 

Lena finished her own drink and tried to process what Alex had told her. Why had she told her either of these things? Feeling her emotions spin out of control, she stuffed them in a mental box and sought refuge in the familiarity and safety of her analytical mind.

Looking around her as she thought, she finally took in the details of her surroundings. The bar was sparsely populated, other small groups, or couples, were dotted about on the sofas and there was the odd lone patron at the bar. All of them women. There was the occasional small rainbow flag dotted unobtrusively about the place. Alex said she came here often, and clearly knew the barwoman. Lena could see them chatting as Alex leaned against the bar. Why had she brought her here? The comfort of familiar surroundings? Was this conversation making Alex nervous too? No-one else had commented on any of the things Alex had said - that she seemed different or that she had missed a couple of social events. Had Alex drawn the short straw and been the one picked to broach the subject with her? Find out what she really knew? 

There was a vague sense that she should be worried, but after Alex’s own confession the tone of the evening seemed to have shifted. Although she had been hard pressed to follow where any of it was going if she was honest. Feeling decidedly unmoored since she had found Alex waiting for her.

And just what  _ was _ that thought that she couldn’t quite grasp, it suddenly seemed urgent and relevant somehow. Like having a word on the tip of your tongue and not being able to remember it. It felt like it might make sense of this whole exchange.

Alex reappeared next to their table then, snapping Lena out of her thoughts.

Smiling, she placed a fresh glass in front of her and resumed her seat on the opposite sofa, legs tightly crossed.

Lena felt herself automatically smiling her thanks and then it hit her.

The thought racing round her mind, wasn’t a thought at all but a line from a song, of all things.

_ I want you to notice when I’m not around _

Why would Alex notice when her sister’s best friend wasn't around?

A second question thundered hard on the heels of the first; how had Alex spotted a change in her when no one else had? Not even her best friend, who, it turned out, had x-ray vision and the ability to hear her heartbeat. How had Alex seen anything in her eyes?

Oh.

Lena felt herself blush faintly and tried not to smile. 

That's why Alex was nervous. This definitely wasn’t an interrogation.

“So you had it wiped from your memories that your own sister was Supergirl?”

Alex froze with her glass to her lips.

“That’s some loyalty.”

Alex swallowed and relaxed.

“I’m her big sister, it’s my job to protect her.” She gestured with her glass and smirked “Literally.”

“But you got your memories back?”

Alex’s eyes shone again. “When she died.”

“She  _ died _ ?” Lena hissed, trying not let everyone in the vicinity overhear her.

“Yes. But, well, she’s ok. Obviously.”

Lena could tell she was trying to make light of it, but the pain was obvious in Alex’s eyes. although probably only obvious to someone looking closely, who knew her well.

Ah. 

“So Lex did tell you then?”

Lena sighed. “Yes. His final twist of the knife.” 

Taking a deep breath she drew herself up. “I shot him. Before Kara set fire to the building. Before he could weasel his way out of the consequences yet again and use the teleport.”

She looked directly at Alex, defiant, still expecting to see this had all been a game, a ruse to find out what she knew. So was utterly floored by the look of concern and sympathy on Alex’s face. 

“I’m sorry.”

“He had it coming.” Lena sniffed. He was still her brother, despite it all.

“That doesn't make it any easier.” 

Alex leaned forward. 

“We weren’t lying to you out of malice, you know that, right? It was never about you being a Luthor or not trusting you. Kara wanted to tell you, but she was terrified that it would make you a target. And she was right, I mean look at what happened to me.”

“I already have a target on my back, I’m a Luthor.”

“Yeah, but only in name.” 

Alex's smile was shy and Lena felt herself blush. This really wasn’t how she had seen any of this playing out. The anger with them all for their lies had burned within her but now she was angry at Lex for the wedge he had tried to insert between her and the people who, apparently, really did care about her.

“Are you ok?”

“No, not really.”

“No, I thought not. That’s why I wanted to talk to you. It can be too easy to get in your head about stuff and not talk to anyone. You've been through a lot. I just wanted you to know that you aren’t on your own. We are here if you wanted to talk. People care about you, Lena.”

“People?” Lena smirked and Alex blushed slightly, knowing she’d been caught out at last. 

“Yes. Me. I care.”

“Thank you.” 

“Anytime. I knew something was wrong when you arrived tonight.”

“And yet, no one else noticed.”

“You forget, I am a trained agent.”

Lena raised an eyebrow and felt herself smile. She bit her bottom lip and was surprised to find how much she enjoyed the reaction the gesture provoked in her companion. Even from across the coffee table she could see Alex’s pupils dilate as she smiled slowly back.

“Walk me home?”

“I’d be delighted” It should have sounded glib, but it was charmingly sincere.

“So you’ll be at brunch this Sunday?” Alex asked as they walked, approaching the corner of Lena’s block.

“Since you seem to notice if I’m not there, I will do my best.”

Alex grinned at her, and Lena thought her utterly adorable, hands stuffed in her jeans pockets, the air of nerves still lingering around her.

“Of course we could get together for dinner tomorrow, just the two of us?”

“Well, I did say if you ever wanted to talk….”

Lena stopped walking and it took Alex several steps to notice she was on her own. She turned to face Lena who was smiling at her with amusement.

“Oh.” Alex was totally flustered. “Oh...you’re...asking me out. On a date,”

“Excellent deductive skills, Agent Danvers.” Lena started walking again and caught up with her.

“I’d like that.”

“Me too.”

They slowed down as they reached Lena’s building, before finally stopping, turning to face each other.

“Thank you for tonight.”

“You're welcome. I really was worried about you.”

Before Lena could reply she felt Alex’s hands softly cup her cheeks as she stepped closer and gently brought her lips to Lena’s. 

“Goodnight.” She breathed softly against Lena’s skin before stepping back and stuffing her hands back in her jeans pockets, looking shy again, if a little less nervous.

“Goodnight Alex. I’ll see you tomorrow night.”

Lena walked slowly inside, as Alex watched her go.

Her phone buzzed with a text just as she got to her front door.

_ I always notice when you’re not around x _

Lena felt herself smile as she opened her door, feeling a lot more hopeful than she had when she had started her evening.

**Author's Note:**

> Feel free to come and talk to me on Tumblr @JellyBabyKid


End file.
